It has come to our attention that you will not be winning the race for the office that you seek, but have not yet come to that realization on your own accord. We would like to lend you a helping hand and break the news to you, respectfully, that you are not going to be President of the United States of America.
Being that it seems your schedule will be opening up, we have an offer for you. As Dada Land grows so does our need for government offices and we are pleased to offer you a position at the Dada Land Department of Humor. You have a recognizable inclination for humor albeit misguided. In Dada Land we are willing to overlook your previous transgressions and offer you the ideal environment for you to flourish and explore that talent while not inflicting any real harm. In our opinion, this is a great arrangement for all and it is in our hopes that you would see this advantageous solution in the same light.
There is no need to submit a CV or list of references. We feel confident that your actions up until this point speak for you more effectively than our review and examination of said documents would.
We look forward to your prompt reply.
The Presidents of Dada Land